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3 steps to realize ultimate wellbeing

written by dan goldfield 11th Of March 2023
read time: 19 minutes

In this newsletter I’m going to explain to you how to realise ultimate wellbeing as your default mode.No more scrolling Netflix, desperate to find something that’ll fill the empty void carved out of you by the stresses and struggles of life.No more relying on alcohol to dull your self-doubt so you can have a conversation without worrying about saying something stupid.No more tensions with friends, family or co-workers as you wish they could see your perspective and understand you.Just unshakeable wellbeing in all your life’s circumstances.Good news: this wellbeing is—and always has been—your true nature. You don’t have to do anything to cook it up. You don’t even have to train yourself to maintain it.“Wellbeing”, for us, means clarity, peace and satisfaction that doesn’t depend upon anything.This is what you’ve been trying to achieve with everything you’ve ever done—🔹 Every subject you’ve studied
🔹 Every job you’ve worked
🔹 Every person you’ve befriended
🔹 Every partner you’ve romanced
🔹 Every hobby you’ve pursuedThe essential reason you’ve engaged in all these things is to be satisfied.But as long as your satisfaction—your wellbeing—depends upon something then you’re trapped.When you depend upon something for your wellbeing then you must have that thing to be okay. Problem is, things come and go.You can do better. So read on to discover the 3-step process I synthesized from personal development, Buddhism and neuropsychology.But first, let me walk you through a life-changing flip of perspective…

The Biggest Bait & Switch In History

My earliest memories are full of parents and schoolteachers telling me what to do.They were very good at that, but awful at telling me why I should do what they commanded.Sound familiar?This was a source of endless frustration for me. I was the kid who would ask “why? Why? Why?” to the limit of people’s patience. Eventually they’d tell me to “just be quiet” or distract me with food or TV. Ten-out-of-ten guidance, folks 👌(Spoiler alert: my sister ended up morbidly obese and I ended up addicted to video games.)The sad truth is the grown-ups didn’t know the answers to my questions.It would take me 25 years to find the answers I so desperately wanted.Meanwhile, the grown-ups were doing all they could to train me into their way of doing things. This depended upon a deep-rooted belief that’s at the core of Judeo-Christian culture: the belief that we’re born unworthy and must whip ourselves into shape to become worthy.Worthy of what? Well, if you ask in church they’ll tell you “worthy of heaven”.Now, you may think to yourself, “that’s okay, my parents weren’t religious”.I wish I could tell you this belief was held only by religious folks. But religion and culture were pretty much the same thing until 60 years ago—and we’re still suffering the hangover.So even those of us with non-religious parents were trained to believe we had to “prove our worth”. Only instead of heaven, we were told to prove we were worthy of—🔹 Affection
🔹 Good grades
🔹 A good college
🔹 A good job
🔹 Good money
🔹 A good home
🔹 A good romantic partner
🔹 A good retirement
🔹 HappinessWe were told that if we didn’t prove our worth then we’d fall off the bottom rung of society’s ladder. Note: this isn’t the same as becoming a criminal. This belief says that if you do nothing you’ll be unworthy by default.

Most people's true deepest fear is that they're unloveable, unworthy, or broken. They fear the thoughts in their mind are true.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) December 4, 2022

Of course, no-one says it like that because they’ve never articulated it to themselves. This is an unconscious cultural bias, and the presence of this bias is one of the things that bothered me greatly as a child—even though I didn’t yet understand it.Cut to 25 years later: I’m exploring spirituality for stress relief. I’m hearing countless gurus say that it leads to freedom, peace, happiness, etc. You’ve probably heard these promises.It sounded too good to be true but I kept exploring. I experimented with guided meditations; I read; I listened to endless dharma talks. But something’s still not quite right. It would take further years for me to put a finger on this, but eventually I realised something—Most spiritual teachings promise freedom but are really still about whipping yourself into shape.They say things like:🔹 “Train yourself to access states of deep concentration.”
🔹 “Practice with great effort to realise enlightenment (in the future).”
🔹 “Cultivate wholesome qualities (i.e. compassion).”
🔹 “Follow our process of gradual spiritual attainment.”
🔹 “Go on intensive meditation retreats of increasing length.”
🔹 “Abandon your family and ordain as a monk.”Oh look, it’s that unconscious bias again: you’re not good enough as you are.

This directly contradicts the core ingredients of any genuine wisdom teaching. Ingredients like—🔹 States come and go and therefore can’t be relied upon
🔹 The future is a figment of your imagination
🔹 Wholesomeness is your natural condition, not something that can be contrived
🔹 There’s no permanent “self” who can “attain” anything—spiritual or otherwise
🔹 Meditation doesn’t earn you magic enlightenment points
🔹 You don’t need your circumstances to be any particular wayHere’s the clincher: as long as you’re trying to change yourself you’re like a dog chasing its tail. And it doesn’t matter whether the changes you’re trying to make are worldly changes (like trying to be more employable), or “spiritual” changes (like trying to be more calm).Buddhism 101: there’s no such thing as a personal identity. Your identity is just a bunch of thoughts. And as long as you try to change those thoughts you’re missing the real wisdom that’s hidden in plain sight.This is the biggest bait and switch in history—1. The world demands you whip yourself into shape
2. Spiritual teachings promise freedom
3. Spiritual teachings demand you whip yourself into shapeBut wait, I have good news for you…

The Treasure Is Hidden In Plain Sight

There are three wisdom teachings I’m aware of that cut (most of) the crap and get right to the point: real freedom, to be realized right now.They’re all ancient and so have their cultural baggage, but it’s easy enough to strip that away.These three teachings are—🔹 Advaita Vedanta (a teaching within Hinduism)
🔹 Zen
🔹 Dzogchen (the pinnacle teaching from Tibet)The common theme of these teachings is nonduality.“Nonduality” means “without boundaries”.To live without boundaries is to be free of dissatisfaction.

Good news: the drawing of any boundary is a mental process that you can simply not do. But this won’t seem simple, and there are two reasons why—1. Survival
2. Conditioning

We Don't Live In The Jungle Anymore—Let's Stop Acting Like We Do

For our distant ancestors, calling out an invader from a rival tribe was a matter of life or death. Their vigilance became so ingrained that it survives in us today.In 2023 we’re long past throwing spears at each other. Yet still there’s this lingering fear. We now call it social anxiety.But fear—anxiety—can only survive as long as you draw boundaries in your mind, and you can learn how to stop doing that.This is what mindfulness is really about—seeing things as they are without imaginary boundaries, labels, judgements, interpretations. And once you glimpse the freedom this brings for yourself, you’ll be convinced it’s worthwhile.This, of course, is not an additive process, but a subtractive one. In other words, you’re not learning to do wholesome stuff. Rather, you’re learning to stop doing unwholesome stuff. This brings us back to that bait and switch I was talking about earlier.Society was built on the assumption that we’re all born in a position of lack, and must add to ourselves to be okay—🔹 Add knowledge
🔹 Add achievements
🔹 Add status
🔹 Add material wealthWisdom teachers showed up throughout history to disrupt that model. They said, instead, that we must only subtract from ourselves to be okay—🔹 Subtract assumptions
🔹 Subtract striving
🔹 Subtract ego
🔹 Subtract desireBut then those wise teachers died, and followers couldn’t help but revert to their base instincts. So we were right back to adding to ourselves again—🔹 Add rules
🔹 Add wholesome qualities
🔹 Add spiritual attainment
🔹 Add hierarchical organisationThis is how religions were born.

The Most Important Choice You'll Ever Make

There are two hypotheses on which you can continue your investigation—a. You’re corrupted by default and must become pureb. You’re pure by default but were corrupted by conditioningLike everyone else, I spent a lot of time with option a. It was irresistible. Like so much of what holds us back from the life of wellbeing we all deserve, it was an unconscious assumption. But it didn’t lead to freedom.So I continued to look at the depression and anxiety in the world; the selfishness and desire that comes from following the common narrative. I looked at those things within myself, and finally decided to give option b a try.It was counter-intuitive. It was difficult to let go of the comfort that comes from continuing with a long-held unconscious belief. But as I reminded myself of my new hypothesis—and tested it in my direct experience—I started to glimpse the freedom I’d been seeking for years.Previously, I’d prepare for a difficult conversation by doing a meditation. And I’d repeat mantra during the conversation. These practices were wholesome but—in the end—unnecessary. They might have been necessary if my natural state were rotten and I needed to whip myself into shape, but I didn’t.No—my natural state is clear, stable, compassionate and wise. Excellent qualities to bring to any conversation! And as I tested the truth of this with the technique I’ll share below, I confirmed it more and more.Previously I ran a long, detailed to-do list for my business. I wrote down every task I had to tackle in fear that I might forget it. And I wrote detailed notes and set notifications to terrorize future Dan in case he was neglecting the list. This might have been necessary if my natural state were lazy and ineffective, but it’s not.No—my natural state is mutually beneficial. I want to do things that benefit people, and when I do things that benefit people they throw money at me. Good business!

As a general rule, the optimal strategy is to treat people as friends and attempt to win together rather than to treat people as enemies and attempt to win on your own.
— James Clear (@JamesClear) February 6, 2020

Now I’m no longer running the business I was trying to run with that old to-do list—which really was just a place to write down things that conflicted with my core values.The business I run now is aligned with those core values and, therefore, I don’t need a to-do list! I want to do tasks that are aligned with my core values. I wake up between 4 and 6am most mornings—with no alarm—full of inspiration to get to work.See how this is incompatible with option “a” above? As long as you’re trying to whip yourself into shape you’re missing out on a life of natural ease, clarity and abundance.I’ll admit though, I needed guidance to get from “a” to “b”. I extracted value from every teaching and teacher I could get access to.My core understanding of how to live this life of uninterrupted natural wellbeing was synthesized from deep dives into four disciplines—🔹 Theravada Buddhism
🔹 Modern personal development
🔹 Dzogchen
🔹 NeuropsychologyThis has been the focus of my life since 2014. What I’ve ended up with is a teaching that withstands the scrutiny of all four of those approaches, and it’s this teaching I’m pleased to share with you below.(I'm also going deep on it in my upcoming course, MINDFUL 24/7.)

How to Live a Life of Natural Wellbeing And Mutual Benefit

Step 1: Get So Quiet You Can Hear Your Heartbeat (Literally And Figuratively)

There’s a reason meditation is popular in wisdom traditions, but its usefulness is exaggerated. Hundreds of differing sets of complicated instructions can be found, and they each claim to be the one and only path to enlightenment.The impression most people get from these instructions is that they must sit cross-legged like a good boy or girl and rack up thousands of hours worth of “enlightenment points” to exchange for a reward in the future.This is little better than believing in the tooth fairy. It doesn’t work. I know—I did it.No—what meditation is really about is simply getting quiet.As long as you’re busy running the old mental scripts you were trained into, you’ll be unable to see things as they really are.Over years experimenting with every meditation technique I could find, I whittled my practice down to the essential aspects found in all of them—

There’s no set time for which to do this. Instead of thinking about duration, find a way to enjoy the practice.When you enjoy this practice, you'll want to do it.When you want to do it, you'll do it often.When you do it often, you'll find tonnes of evidence that wellbeing is your default mode.It may seem difficult at first, but that’s only because it’s opposite to the way you were trained to think.Once you can enjoy this practice without thinking about how long it is, you’ll no longer be terrorized by intrusive thinking. Not because you deliberately did anything to transform or suppress your thinking, but because you relaxed.As you relax, the ways you were trained to terrorize yourself with the mind will lose their charge. As they lose their charge, they’ll show up less and less. Once you’ve discovered a little space, you’re ready to move on…

Step 2: Get Crystal Clear to Unlock Peak Effectiveness

When thoughts are coming at you a million miles-per-hour it’s difficult to investigate them. But now that you have some space you can start to contemplate questions like—🔹 Where did this thought come from?
🔹 Where does it go?
🔹 Does it have any real power to make me do anything?
🔹 Do I have to think it again?
🔹 If not then why would I?
🔹 How many times in a day do I think this thought?
🔹 Is it the same each time, or does it change?You can replace “thought” with “feeling” and run the same questions. You can take this list literally or just as a set of examples.What you’re doing here is shifting your focus from the content of your thoughts and feelings to the mechanics of your thoughts and feelings. In other words, you’re “zooming out” and witnessing what’s going on (instead of being flung about by it all).

You are not your:
Ego
Mind
Body
Heart
Thought
Feeling
Emotion
Desire
Image
Vibe
Energy
Tendency
Toxicity
Attachment
Programming
Possession
Experience
Pain
Wound
Memory
Happiness
Suffering
Growth
Learning
Evolution
Expansion
Identification
...
Anything you can observe is not you
— Inner Practitioner (@MindTendencies2) December 22, 2019

Resist the temptation to create intellectual answers to the questions posed above—that would just create more thinking.Rather, follow the inquiries in your direct experience. Don’t insist on putting your answers into words. It’s okay if words come, but they’re not necessary.Observe. Explore. Investigate. Experiment. Test. And allow your understanding to develop based on what’s really happening, rather than what you think about what’s happening.For example, imagine you’re sat practising and a thought arises:“I’m not sure the work I was doing earlier is good enough.”Before mindfulness, you’d likely create further thoughts in reference to that one, spiralling downward into a chain reaction of doubt and self-loathing:“I used to be so much better at my work…”“What happened to all the talent I had in college?”“What will my boss say about it?”“Fuck—what was that other tweak she asked me to make?”“Why am I so forgetful?”“I’ve gotta stop drinking in the week…”But now you have an alternative. Let’s rewind back to that first thought:“I’m not sure the work I was doing earlier is good enough.”Now, instead of continuing an inner monologue, you’re going to “zoom out” and examine the mechanics of the thought instead of getting seduced by its content.“Where did that thought come from?“I can’t really say, it appeared to come from nowhere…”“Why did I think it?”“I’m insecure about my work.”“Is that insecurity going to help me with the task?”“No.”“Shall I disregard the thought?”“Seems helpful…”Play this out across your entire life and you’ll witness an insane boost to your effectiveness. But what’s much more valuable is that this kind of inquiry into the nature of thoughts leads to insight into their lack of power over you. And this insight leads to the acceptance of—and ease with—all thoughts and feelings.But we’re not done yet…

Step 3: Bring Your Newfound Peace And Clarity Into The Real World (Where It Matters Most)

An old Taoist master lived on a mountain, where he spent most of his time in meditation. Visitors came from all over China to sit in his calming presence.One day the master’s disciples insisted he follow them down the mountain. The political climate was tense, and they feared the master would be killed if he stayed at the monastery.The master lit one last stick of incense at the shrine, then joined his disciples at the gate. He trekked down the mountain in perfect silence.Eventually the group arrived at the nearby market town. In the hustle and bustle, a young boy bumped into the master as he ran past.“WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!” the master exploded in anger, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY PEACE!”The disciples were shocked. In the decades they’d spent at the monastery, they’d never seen their master behave this way.

“It’s easy enough to float,” said Ram Dass, “but can you walk without touching the ground?”In other words, what good is peace and happiness if it’s dependent upon certain conditions?When asked how to know if someone is truly enlightened, Ziji Rinpoche said it’s very simple: “someone who’s enlightened,” she said “is of benefit.”I’m not interested in telling you how to be at peace in a monastery—the world needs you in the marketplace.So this 3rd step is about taking the quietude you realised in step 1, plus the clarity you realised in step 2, and bringing these into all the situations of your life.Consider a typical breath meditation. In that practice you maintain awareness of your breath, noticing its changes and what you think about it—whether you’re comfortable or uncomfortable with it; whether you wish it were different…Step 3 is about maintaining awareness of everything as if it were your meditation object. (And yes—it may require more sitting practice to become ready for this. But now you have the proper context for doing such practice.)Of course, some things appear more difficult to accept than others—an angry boss, for example, seems to demand a fear response. But, actually, that boss would be better served by your remaining calm—even if you fucked up massively.

“I’m going to put this right,” you might say, instead of surrendering to fear and trying to avoid your boss in the workplace.I recommend a gradual approach here. If step 1 and step 2 are going well, try performing those while out walking in a secluded spot. Then try a walk in public. Then try a conversation with a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker.I’m not suggesting this should go anywhere near as quickly as we’ve moved through it all here—though the potential does exist for these realisations to occur instantaneously. The only thing in your way is the degree to which you resist the relaxation that’s the key to everything I’ve written here.I remember the first times I tried to bring the peace and clarity I was experiencing in sitting practice through to my daily life. It was tough: I struggled to keep my cool in the face of stress and chaos. But as I kept at it, I began to notice a profound shift in how I experienced the world around me. Slowly but surely, things lost their power over me.For example—🔹 I stopped caring about being “right”, and instead found I could walk away from emotionally draining arguments
🔹 I stopped trying to micromanage everything in my life, and started trusting “future Dan” to handle whatever challenges came up
🔹 I stopped feeling desperate for affection like I had my entire life, which improved my dating game by 1000x (it wasn’t long after that I met my wife, who’s by far the best match I’ve ever found)Now I’m here to help you experience that same transformation.

Enlightenment: The Ultimate Struggle?

I know this all may sound too good to be true. You’ve had to struggle for everything you’ve ever achieved in life, so surely enlightenment must be really difficult?No. My hope for you reading this newsletter is that you’ve been able to grasp the solidity of the argument for that “option b” above—the subtractive model for realising ultimate wellbeing.Should you need more convincing, this is all confirmed by rudimentary neuroscience. Dissatisfaction, distraction, complaint, anxiety are all mental processes which are either running or not running. In other words, they’re additive; they take place “on top” of your natural, restful state. These processes only seem to be natural because you were so thoroughly trained into them that they became part of your identity.Of course, that training was carried out over decades by a large team of family members and schoolteachers who wielded great influence over you. It’s amazing that we can undo the damage with the 3 steps above.I’ve seen this 3-step process save lives, get a woman off a 14-year course of antidepressants, give a man courage to leave an abusive relationship and much more.

i recommend trying the 3 steps above to see how you get on with them alone. but you may feel, as I did, that you need guidance.if so, i've 2 things for you.1. 72 free talks and guided meditations.2. my upcoming cohort course, MINDFUL 24/7, which launches 13th of August 2023. if you're interested you can get $50 off with code M24750.dg 💙

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